It's Not Over
by DrMeredithGrey
Summary: Post the season finale, Didnt We Almost Have it All. Meredith and Derek face an uncertain future as she starts her residency at Seattle Grace. MerDer.


A/N: This is shorter than I anticipated, because my computer decided to break on me, so while I am vacationing at my parents' I decided, like everyone else, I had to put my spin on the aftermath of the season finale and fix the mess that was made. I'm still heartsick over it, and I really hope Shonda "broke" them up just so they can have a big dramatic make-up. Mmk? This takes place immediately after "Didn't We Almost Have It All?" and is Meredith-centric. And if you haven't already noticed, it's MerDer. Read, review, enjoy. The song is "It's Not Over" by Daughtry.

_I was blown away, what could I say. It all seemed to make sense._

The pounding Seattle rain had diminished into a light drizzle when Meredith Grey pulled up into the driveway of her home. There was a faint light on the horizon, signaling the approach of dawn. It was already morning, Meredith thought wearily, and she was starting her first day as a surgical resident today. Meredith Grey was no longer an intern, and she couldn't even conjure up any excitement over it. She had spent the last twelve hours alternating between holding her best friend while she cried, and sitting there in the darkness while Cristina slept, plagued with her own distress. They didn't get married. Cristina wanted to. She didn't want the big production that the wedding had turned out to be, but she wanted to marry Burke, and now he was gone. Truthfully, it scared Meredith how much of her own faith was lost when she was forced to stand in front of the crowded chapel and tell them that it was over.

With her past, it was hard enough to believe in true happiness. It seemed as if anytime there was a glimmer of pure joy in her life, someone or something was there to snatch it away just as quickly. She did have a rough childhood, but that was something she could have gotten past, something she could have overcome. Her mother's Alzheimer's did take a toll on her. She felt so alone when her mother had requested that her condition remain a secret. Maybe that was the reason she had trouble letting anyone close to her, after having to keep that secret for all those years, or maybe it stemmed from something else. That day that she had woken up and remembered everything was one of those days that Meredith had felt that glimmer of hope. She thought maybe, just maybe, her mother would finally be proud of her. If she learned that her daughter had finished med school, was in one of the best surgical residency programs in the country, and had an accomplished and successful man that loved her, maybe she would be proud. Ellis Grey wasn't proud, and that moment had been more painful than all of those years of her mother not remembering who she was.

_You've taken away everything, and I can't live without._

She still could not explain how the events of the next few days had happened. Derek pulling her out of the tub, the ferry accident, drowning, it was all a blur. She could remember with perfect clarity the moment she knew her mother was dead. Seeing her, her eyes filled with unexpressed love and a hint of regret, as she told her that she was anything but ordinary, only fueled Meredith's desire to return. She wanted to be happy, she wanted to try…she wanted Derek. What she didn't realize was the toll that her near-death experience would have on the man she loved. After the accident, there was always something in the room with them. Like the big white elephant no one wanted to talk about, but that was undeniably there. So she did what she did best, she avoided. She pretended like everything was fine. As she played her charade, he was slipping farther and farther away. She was letting him. It was easier to pretend things were fine, that he was fine. He hovered, and worried over her, and she didn't want him to. She didn't want to know that she was making him worry about her twenty-four hours a day, but she didn't want to have to explain to him that it wouldn't happen again. That would require talking about it, which neither of them wanted to do, it seemed.

_I try to see the good in life, but good things in life are hard to find._

Showing up at the trailer and seducing him in her playful way was her last attempt to keep things normal between them. After they made love, when he just laid there and stared at the ceiling, she knew it was too late. They had let things fester for too long, and there was no avoiding it. So she ran. She ran and he didn't follow, which only added salt to the wound. After that, she couldn't keep track of his moods. One day he's trying to be there, offering to go to Susan's funeral and the next he's telling her that he met a girl in a bar. Despite the fact that nothing happened, and she knew he thought telling her was being honest and a good boyfriend, it was the nail in the coffin for her. Sure, he had said no this time, but what about the next time? What about the next time when he says yes, and leaves her? With her track record, she wanted to avoid the pain of that completely. In her eyes, he didn't want to deal with her problems and her dark and twisty-ness anymore. In her eyes, he was done with her and done with what was left of their relationship. In her eyes, she wasn't good enough for him anymore, and maybe she never was.

The day of Burke and Cristina's wedding, she had come to a conclusion. If there was any chance of her and Derek making it, it would be solidified by Cristina walking down the aisle. If Cristina and Burke could work through their problems and have their happily ever after, then she and Derek certainly could. She hadn't expected him to corner her in the locker room before they left for the chapel. At that moment, she thought it was over. He was coming to end it, so she tried to give him the easy way out. She made her speech, trying to act as if she was OK with it, trying to act as if the thought of losing him didn't make her miserable. He had just stood there, listening to her rant, a small smile on his face. Why is he smiling, she had thought angrily, does he think this is funny? Then he had his chance to speak. What he said had floored her. She was expecting a breakup, and he was standing there saying all these perfect things. It had been perfect…and then he had pointed to the elephant in the room. She remembered feeling panic, panic at having to face what she wasn't ready to face, and then she remembered her conclusion from before. Cristina...if Cristina walked down the aisle, it would give her the strength to do this, but she couldn't do it yet. So she ran. She muttered something about having to make sure Cristina got married, and she ran.

_I'll blow it away, blow it away. Can we make this something good?_

Realizing she was still sitting in her car, in the driveway, she shook her head. What had happened? Burke and Cristina didn't get married, so she broke up with Derek? Even in her twisted head it didn't make sense. At the moment, standing at that altar, there didn't seem to be any other options. Hope was lost. Her best friend was broken, and so was she. She remembered looking at him, seeing the hurt and confusion in his eyes. It wasn't enough to stop her. She was paving her path of destruction and nothing could stop her. Finally getting out of the car, she leisurely walked to the door, not caring about the wet pavement beneath her bare feet, her shoes dangling from one hand. _It's so over._ Her words from earlier haunted her, and she felt the horrible stab of regret. Did she really want it to be over?

_Well, I'll try to do it right this time around._

The house was dark, and she crept in quietly so she wouldn't wake Izzie or Alex. She had to be at work in two hours. Not being an intern did have its perks. She planned on trying to get at least an hour of sleep as she wearily climbed the steps and crept down the hallway to her room. _That's strange_, she thought as she saw her light on and wondered who had been in her room. Pushing open the door quietly, she saw Derek. He was still in his tux, but the jacket and tie were gone. He was standing by the window, leaning against the wall. His stillness told her that he hadn't heard her come in yet. Her heart was beating fast and hard in her chest. He showed up. She told him it was over and he showed up. Amongst all of the gloom and depression of the day, the glimmer of hope was there, the glimmer that she both longed for and dreaded. Finally deciding on alerting him to her presence, she cleared her throat quietly. He turned sharply, as if he had heard a bullet being fired opposed to the small sound that she made.

"Meredith." His eyes were red from crying, rimmed with red. Like her, he hadn't slept. His face was shadowed from not being shaved, his hair mussed as if he had been running his hands through it in frustration. He looked broken, he looked like she felt, and in a strange way it comforted her to know that. She wasn't alone.

_Let's start over. I'll try to do it right this time around._

"How long have you been here?" The question was simple, and she tried not to let any emotion into her voice. If she broke now, she was afraid she wouldn't be able to stop.

He cleared his throat, struggling to find the words. "Since I left the chapel…I didn't know if you'd be here or… I figured you were with Cristina, so I waited."

She only nodded, crossing to sit on the edge of the bed, her back to him. She gingerly placed her shoes on the ground, staring down at the brown satin dress, spotted with raindrops. "I waited until she fell asleep…and then she would wake up again….she cried, Derek. She just cried." Meredith didn't know why she was telling him all of this. Clearly, he had come here to talk about their situation, but in a way she felt like she was letting him in by telling him this. Silence drifted between them for a while, and she heard his footsteps as he crossed over to her. The bed shifted as he sat down beside her. He was close to her now, but still so far away. She let the silence linger a bit longer, before she broke it. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" She felt his eyes on her, but she couldn't look. Not now, not until she said what she had to say.

"For being like this, but this is me, Derek. You know me better than anyone else has, and still it's like you don't understand me. I don't like to talk about my issues, I avoid, I tend to run when things get scary…"

"Mer…"

"I'm not done." Meredith could almost see an amused expression on his face as he allowed her to continue. "Right now, my personal life is just a big pile of crap, except for you. You are the thing that keeps me going. You're the reason I'm alive right now. You're everything…and that scares the crap out of me. I'm not supposed to be this dependent on another person. I'm not supposed to sit up all night, not able to sleep, because my boyfriend told me he met another woman in a bar." She took a breath and continued. "It's not over, Derek. I don't want it to be over, I don't want to give up on us, but I'm scared. I'm scared because I want forever with you, and I'm scared that you might only think you want it with me until you find something better and leave me. If you haven't noticed, I have issues, and I know I'm a lot to deal with at times but…I'm in this. God, am I in this." Her last words hung in the hair for a moment before she turned to meet his eyes. They were brimmed with tears, but he didn't look broken anymore. He looked happy, and he was looking at her. He was looking at her in the way he hadn't since before the ferry incident. He was looking at her. "Your turn." She said softly, not breaking from his gaze.

_It's not over, cause a part of me is dead and in the ground._

"I'm sorry too…I'm sorry I pushed you, and I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. I blamed it on you, I blamed it on you pushing me away, but it was me who was doing the pushing. I was asking too much of you, and then when you were willing to give it, I abandoned you. It would be an understatement to say that things haven't been easy for me since the accident. I was worried about getting Chief, and I was worried about you. It was too much for me, and I should have talked to you about it, and if you didn't want to, I should have made you. Earlier, I shouldn't have… I said I couldn't keep breathing for you, but that wasn't the problem. I wasn't trying to breathe for you, I was trying to breathe for me, except I didn't realize it." He stopped and they just kept their eyes locked, unspoken words and emotions channeling between them. After a moment, a small smile played on her lips.

"Are we communicating?" He let out a rough chuckle at that, running his hand through his unkempt hair.

"I think we are." He smiled back at her, and it felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of both of their shoulders. Things still weren't perfect between them, but they still had each other and a new kind of trust had been built, something they hadn't had in their relationship at all.

"Why didn't we try this before?" She rolled her shoulders, relieved at how the tension had left them suddenly. He just laughed.

"Who knows? But we should make it a habit." He met her eyes. "Deal?"

"Deal." Despite the happiness she felt at their reconciliation, exhaustion seeped deep into her bones. "Well, I am going to try to get some sleep before my big first day as a resident. Care to join me, Dr. Shepherd?"

"I'd love to."

_This love is killing me, but you're the only one. It's not over._

A/N: So there it is, now I plan on writing more to this, as sort of my take to season 4, and what I hope will happen with the characters and their situations, but I hope you enjoyed this part. Again, the song I used is "It's Not Over" by Daughtry. I thought it was kind of fitting. After I can crank out more chapters on the other two I'm working on, I'll continue this one, but please review!!!


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